Escalator Breaks Down, Doesn’t Cause Too Many Problems

An escalator broke down today at a local shopping mall. The patrons of the mall were forced to walk down the stationary steps. The incident didn’t cause too many problems.

We spoke to Bob Stepford, who just happened to be out buying a new stepladder.

“It didn’t cause too many problems.” he said. The great thing about escalators is that when they break down, they just become stairs.”

In other news, a sea plane broke down off the Santa Monica coast. This didn’t cause too many problems, as the plane just became a boat.

Dozens Burnt in Disco Fire, Mistook Evacuation Instructions for a Cascada Remix

Tragedy struck a local disco last night, when dozens of dancers were caught in a blaze that spread through the building. It’s said that the party goers ignored instructions to “Evacuate the dance floor”, believing the announcement to be the DJ putting his own spin on the Cascada song of the same name.

Club owner Richie Mann said it was a tragic series of events. “The fire was spreading so we stopped the music and made the announcements. Unfortunately there was a miscommunication and the punters carried on dancing. They even cheered louder when the room filled with smoke.”

He continued. “We tried to get the message through but everything we tried just got them more excited. I would advise that musicians think carefully in future about how they name their songs and what implications it might have.”

Mr Mann even took it upon himself to attempt to clarify the announcements, but reportedly his use of the words “disco inferno” only exacabated the situation.

Gordon Ramsay Not Happy With Particle Soup

The Large Hadron collider delivered its first high energy particle collisions today, giving us unprecedented insights into the universe and its creation. It was a monumental day in the world of science, but not everyone was happy with the results.

“This particle soup is f***ing tasteless!” screamed TV chef Gordon Ramsay. “What kind of f***ing chef are you? I’ve tasted more appetizing dishwater! Get the f*** out of my kitchen!”

Ramsey was at the LHC filming for his latest program “Scientific Research Facility Nightmares” when he had a chance to sample the 3.5 TeV proton beam collision.

The controversial particle accelerator produced temperatures over one billion times hotter than the centre of the Sun. Mr Ramsay was not overly impressed about this.

“Ten to the sixteen degrees Celsius? Who was supposed to be f***ing watching it?”

Lady Gaga too Weird to Satire

Even the best writers struggle sometimes. Our staff set out this morning to write a satirical story about Lady Gaga, but it seems that over the weekend we were beaten to the punch by her latest exploits.

“She’s just too freaking weird.” said one writer. “We couldn’t even come close to competing with her level of ridiculousness. No matter how much we exaggerate, or how obscure we think, she’s always one step ahead of us.”

Gaga lives in Los Angeles in a house made out of live goats. The controversial singer continues to baffle and confuse the general public with her bizarre antics.

Last week she was spotted trying to set fire to a cabbage while wearing nothing but army boots.