Gordon Ramsay Not Happy With Particle Soup

The Large Hadron collider delivered its first high energy particle collisions today, giving us unprecedented insights into the universe and its creation. It was a monumental day in the world of science, but not everyone was happy with the results.

“This particle soup is f***ing tasteless!” screamed TV chef Gordon Ramsay. “What kind of f***ing chef are you? I’ve tasted more appetizing dishwater! Get the f*** out of my kitchen!”

Ramsey was at the LHC filming for his latest program “Scientific Research Facility Nightmares” when he had a chance to sample the 3.5 TeV proton beam collision.

The controversial particle accelerator produced temperatures over one billion times hotter than the centre of the Sun. Mr Ramsay was not overly impressed about this.

“Ten to the sixteen degrees Celsius? Who was supposed to be f***ing watching it?”

Lady Gaga too Weird to Satire

Even the best writers struggle sometimes. Our staff set out this morning to write a satirical story about Lady Gaga, but it seems that over the weekend we were beaten to the punch by her latest exploits.

“She’s just too freaking weird.” said one writer. “We couldn’t even come close to competing with her level of ridiculousness. No matter how much we exaggerate, or how obscure we think, she’s always one step ahead of us.”

Gaga lives in Los Angeles in a house made out of live goats. The controversial singer continues to baffle and confuse the general public with her bizarre antics.

Last week she was spotted trying to set fire to a cabbage while wearing nothing but army boots.