Man Spends 30 minutes in Shower Thinking of Ways to Save Water

https://www.flickr.com/photos/damianhopper/1952318029/

Local man Ernest Bernshaw today spent a glorious, relaxing half hour in the shower coming up with ingenious ways to save water.

As the warm, drinking-quality water washed over his body and down the drain, he watched it and wondered: What if we could do something with this?

Ideas flowed as freely as the water as he considered ways to collect the runoff, pipe the drain into his garden, or use the fall of the water to power hydro-electric generators.

"I wonder how much electricity we could generate if we piped the almost pristine water over some turbines", he thought, while brushing his teeth.

"Whole industries could be transformed" Mr Bernshaw thought around the 20 minute mark. "Houses could be built with these new water saving features. Hell, even entire housing estates. The way things work now are just so wasteful!"

Record Profits for this Year’s St Guinness Day

Millions of thirsty Irish people took advantage of their yearly excuse to drink yesterday, allowing the global corporation Guinness to enjoy record profits for another year. Pubs around the world covered their walls in anything green they could get hold of to cash in on the world’s biggest piss-up.

We spoke to the frankly unbelievably named Patrick McFitzgerald in one such pub.

“Oi fockin’ lov Guinness.” he told us. “Look, dey gave me dis hat for drinkin’ 20 points. It looks fockin’ amazin’, don’t yo tink?”

We had to admit, he did look the business.

Of course it wasn’t just the Irish taking part in the leprechaun obsessed festivities – pretty much anyone who has ever seen an Irish person laid claim to at least some level of Irish ethnicity.

“We make more money from those who think they’re Irish than anyone else.” said a Guinness Spokesperson. “It’s also the day when the phrase ‘To be sure’ is said more times than any other.”

The festivities are set to repeat around the same time next year, when everyone’s shit finally returns to the normal color.

Man Puts Sugar on Frosties

Not content with the sugar already built into Frosties, a local man was seen putting no less than 3 teaspoons of sugar onto his bowl on Wednesday.

A spokesperson from Kelloggs said that “This kind of thing has never been tried before” and that Kelloggs themselves are “unaware of the possible implications” of putting sugar on Frosties.

“We would strongly recommend against this practice”.

Onlookers at the cafe were shocked. One woman said: “I didn’t even realize you could put sugar on Frosties!”

Economy Boosted by Increase of Minimalists

A new trend of “not spending much” has resulted in a much needed boost to the world economy. Minimalists everywhere are spending money hand over fist to buy the latest minimalist paraphernalia.

Sales of Minimalist books have gone through the roof, with minimalists around the world spending their money to find out how not to spend their money.

We spoke to one such minimalist, known to his friends as “Frugal Bill”, to ask him what he had done recently to free himself from the tyranny of consumerism.

“Well I’ve bought a new greenhouse, so I can grow my own food and not have to go to the supermarket. And we’ve replaced all our furniture with stuff from Ikea, you know, with those little baskets where you can hide your junk. I’ve also built a chicken coop out of ice cream sticks. Man we ate a lot of ice cream that month.”

Bill’s wife Esther explained how their habits had changed since adopting a minimalist lifestyle. “Oh we’re so much kinder to the environment now. Instead of our horrible, fossil fuel powered gas heating, we spend our evenings around a good old wood burner, just like the old days.”

“It’s so nice to be free of possessions, to live our lives as nature intended.” added Bill, as they drove off down the public road in their manufactured car.

Escalator Breaks Down, Doesn’t Cause Too Many Problems

An escalator broke down today at a local shopping mall. The patrons of the mall were forced to walk down the stationary steps. The incident didn’t cause too many problems.

We spoke to Bob Stepford, who just happened to be out buying a new stepladder.

“It didn’t cause too many problems.” he said. The great thing about escalators is that when they break down, they just become stairs.”

In other news, a sea plane broke down off the Santa Monica coast. This didn’t cause too many problems, as the plane just became a boat.