Engineers invent robot that can build houses, heal the sick, still can’t wash the dishes

Honda's Asimo, also a lazy git

Koichi Yamaguchi, Chief Engineer at little known Pacific rim car manufacturer MingPong, has created a state of the art new robot to rival Honda’s Asimo. The robot can cut through tanks, build houses for the poor, and heal most diseases by placing its hand on the patient’s head. However, it still can’t wash dishes, fold clothes, or clean the bathroom floor.

Yamaguchi has spent the last 10 years working on the prototype. “Every day we add new features.” he said. “Yesterday it learned how to increase the efficiency of solar panels by 5000%. But whatever we do, we can’t seem to get it to wash the dishes without dropping the odd plate.”

Creating a robot that can perform our mundane household chores has been a dream of man for over a hundred years. Just as we appear to be close, complications that humans take for granted get in the way.

Last year, a Lego enthusiast created a robot that could travel through time using a 9V battery. However, the robot kept leaving large chunks of fluff on the floor when doing the vacuuming, so the project was scrapped.

Record Profits for this Year’s St Guinness Day

Millions of thirsty Irish people took advantage of their yearly excuse to drink yesterday, allowing the global corporation Guinness to enjoy record profits for another year. Pubs around the world covered their walls in anything green they could get hold of to cash in on the world’s biggest piss-up.

We spoke to the frankly unbelievably named Patrick McFitzgerald in one such pub.

“Oi fockin’ lov Guinness.” he told us. “Look, dey gave me dis hat for drinkin’ 20 points. It looks fockin’ amazin’, don’t yo tink?”

We had to admit, he did look the business.

Of course it wasn’t just the Irish taking part in the leprechaun obsessed festivities – pretty much anyone who has ever seen an Irish person laid claim to at least some level of Irish ethnicity.

“We make more money from those who think they’re Irish than anyone else.” said a Guinness Spokesperson. “It’s also the day when the phrase ‘To be sure’ is said more times than any other.”

The festivities are set to repeat around the same time next year, when everyone’s shit finally returns to the normal color.

Man Puts Sugar on Frosties

Not content with the sugar already built into Frosties, a local man was seen putting no less than 3 teaspoons of sugar onto his bowl on Wednesday.

A spokesperson from Kelloggs said that “This kind of thing has never been tried before” and that Kelloggs themselves are “unaware of the possible implications” of putting sugar on Frosties.

“We would strongly recommend against this practice”.

Onlookers at the cafe were shocked. One woman said: “I didn’t even realize you could put sugar on Frosties!”

Economy Boosted by Increase of Minimalists

A new trend of “not spending much” has resulted in a much needed boost to the world economy. Minimalists everywhere are spending money hand over fist to buy the latest minimalist paraphernalia.

Sales of Minimalist books have gone through the roof, with minimalists around the world spending their money to find out how not to spend their money.

We spoke to one such minimalist, known to his friends as “Frugal Bill”, to ask him what he had done recently to free himself from the tyranny of consumerism.

“Well I’ve bought a new greenhouse, so I can grow my own food and not have to go to the supermarket. And we’ve replaced all our furniture with stuff from Ikea, you know, with those little baskets where you can hide your junk. I’ve also built a chicken coop out of ice cream sticks. Man we ate a lot of ice cream that month.”

Bill’s wife Esther explained how their habits had changed since adopting a minimalist lifestyle. “Oh we’re so much kinder to the environment now. Instead of our horrible, fossil fuel powered gas heating, we spend our evenings around a good old wood burner, just like the old days.”

“It’s so nice to be free of possessions, to live our lives as nature intended.” added Bill, as they drove off down the public road in their manufactured car.

Escalator Breaks Down, Doesn’t Cause Too Many Problems

An escalator broke down today at a local shopping mall. The patrons of the mall were forced to walk down the stationary steps. The incident didn’t cause too many problems.

We spoke to Bob Stepford, who just happened to be out buying a new stepladder.

“It didn’t cause too many problems.” he said. The great thing about escalators is that when they break down, they just become stairs.”

In other news, a sea plane broke down off the Santa Monica coast. This didn’t cause too many problems, as the plane just became a boat.

Dozens Burnt in Disco Fire, Mistook Evacuation Instructions for a Cascada Remix

Tragedy struck a local disco last night, when dozens of dancers were caught in a blaze that spread through the building. It’s said that the party goers ignored instructions to “Evacuate the dance floor”, believing the announcement to be the DJ putting his own spin on the Cascada song of the same name.

Club owner Richie Mann said it was a tragic series of events. “The fire was spreading so we stopped the music and made the announcements. Unfortunately there was a miscommunication and the punters carried on dancing. They even cheered louder when the room filled with smoke.”

He continued. “We tried to get the message through but everything we tried just got them more excited. I would advise that musicians think carefully in future about how they name their songs and what implications it might have.”

Mr Mann even took it upon himself to attempt to clarify the announcements, but reportedly his use of the words “disco inferno” only exacabated the situation.

Gordon Ramsay Not Happy With Particle Soup

The Large Hadron collider delivered its first high energy particle collisions today, giving us unprecedented insights into the universe and its creation. It was a monumental day in the world of science, but not everyone was happy with the results.

“This particle soup is f***ing tasteless!” screamed TV chef Gordon Ramsay. “What kind of f***ing chef are you? I’ve tasted more appetizing dishwater! Get the f*** out of my kitchen!”

Ramsey was at the LHC filming for his latest program “Scientific Research Facility Nightmares” when he had a chance to sample the 3.5 TeV proton beam collision.

The controversial particle accelerator produced temperatures over one billion times hotter than the centre of the Sun. Mr Ramsay was not overly impressed about this.

“Ten to the sixteen degrees Celsius? Who was supposed to be f***ing watching it?”